On Thursday, April 28th 2011 I had to make the most difficult decision of my life. I had to decide to lay my beautiful, wonderful, fun, loving and adorable best friend Marley to rest. It was so very hard to decide this but in the end I do feel and believe that it is the best decision for the best quality of life for him, my other dog Deirdre and my fiance, Damon and I. I am very sad and also very relieved that Marley is now completely at peace with no more fear and pain in his life. This is NOT the solution that I had wanted for this situation but sadly it was what had to happen and what was best for the best quality of life for us and our dogs. I also know that he is safe and in a good place. Even so my heart is still broken.

As many of you know there has been a very hard struggle between my two dogs who as of November have not been getting along with each other like they used to. The dogs had some small scuffles between them before I made the big move to Vermont from Arizona. After the move the dog situation continued to get much worse over the last few months. The fights had gotten much worse and caused the dogs and myself and my fiance pain and damage. About 1 month ago we had to completely separate the two dogs and keep them that way at all times. We worked our way through it but it was very hard. You can read more info on my previous journal here [link] .

On the night that Marley was put to rest the dogs got into yet another bad fight. I was home alone and the dogs were separated in the house with me. I was going to start making dinner in the kitchen with Deirdre and Marley was in the living room with a long leash attached to our love seat. This was the only way that we were able to keep them from fighting when they were in the house. Usually when both Damon and I were home one of us would stay with each dog in different rooms so that they would not be alone. Marley must have seen Deirdre and me in the kitchen and for whatever reason the two of them started to growl at each other. Before I could do anything Marley had pulled the love seat from the living room to the kitchen where we had a dog gate put up to help separate them.

Marley got over the gate and immediately went for Deirdre and they started fighting. I was not able to get Deirdre into another room before he got over the fence. The fight continued for what seemed like forever as I tried to break them up. We ended up in the living room and I opened the front door hoping to put one of them outside to stop the fight. That didn't work and the fight continued out into the mud in the front yard. Thankfully Damon came home and helped get them apart. We brought them inside and I cleaned up a few punctures I had on my hands from trying to break them up.

Deirdre was not too bad, she had a few scratched and a few punctures and we got her to calm down. Marley had gotten the brunt of it and had deep punctures in his head and throat. We were both so overwhelmed and amazed at how the fight had happened. We had been both trying so hard to keep them apart and do not understand why they both had to be so aggressive towards each other. The decision was so very hard but this could NOT continue for either the dogs or us. We had been trying to find a good home for Marley with no success. He needs a lot of special care and we had not found a family that could provide that for him.

Damon called the vet and they had him bring Marley in to be put to sleep. I was so upset and heart broken that I couldn't go with them. I stayed at home with Deirdre to make sure she was ok. Thankfully Marley was very calm and slowly went to sleep and then the pain and fear was gone. Damon was of course devastated as I was.

Yesterday we took his body to a beautiful spot near the forest where Damon's mom lives in Irasburg, VT. Marley loved the sun so much so we put him to rest right on the forest edge where all the sun will shine on him every day. We had a small ceremony for Marley and buried him with one of his favorite knitted sweaters, his favorite toy KONG and a few of his bones. He looked so peaceful and calm, no shaking from fear or on constant edge from any noises. It was so very hard to see him not moving and to feel how cold and hard he was, but it was very important for me to see him again and hug and kiss him. We said our goodbyes and he has a beautiful view of the hills and trees.

I plan to plant many natural growing flowers near his grave so that he can be around as much beauty as possible, he brought so much beauty to my life. I am so very very thankful that I was able to give him 6 good years of love and caring. I wish so very very much that I he could spend the rest of his life with me and Damon and Deirdre, but I know now that this is for the best. He had too much trauma in his early years and too many inner demons. I know he had a rough life and was constantly anxious and nervous, this way he is safe and calm. Also I am relieved that in a way this is better, this way I will not have to constantly wonder if he is ok with a new family, if he is being treated well.

I know that honestly no one could love and understand him the way I do and did. For that I am grateful that he is at peace and safe. Of course I still go back and forth all day in my mind about if I did the wrong thing. He had SO much love and life left in him that I feel so sad that his life was cut short. But I do know that without me and all my love and caring for him that he would NOT have had such a great 6 years of life. I am doing my best not to be too hard on myself, but he was my baby and meant the world to me. He got me through some of the hardest times of my life and was my best friend.

On a happier note, Deirdre seems to be doing much better these past few days. She had become very skiddish and nervous around the house and also other people. The dog next door seemed to cause her to bark and growl when he was just sitting looking at her. We worried she would not be ok with other dogs or people. Now that she can go throughout the house and not be as fearful of an impending fight she is much more calm and happy.

She is now 2 and 1/2 years old and I some times forget that she is still such a puppy. Yesterday we decided to take her out since the weather was finally so nice! We took her to a friends house and she met 5 new people and did amazingly well. She was nervous at first but calmed down. After being there awhile and hanging out on their deck, we introduced her to their little house dog, Lela. Damon and I were nervous but were rewarded with an amazing surprise! Deirdre and Lela sniffed each other and actually started to play! After a little bit we completely let Deirdre off the leash and they both ended up laying down on the deck and fell asleep! We are both so very relieved that Deirdre will be able to recover from her trauma and we plan to keep her very socialized with both people and dogs. Of course we plan to spoil her rotten and keep her very healthy.

Every day it will get easier and I just have to focus on all of the good memories about Marley and all the wonderful joys that he brought me. Thank you to all for all of your support and help and encouragement through all of this. I appreciate all your wonderful comments about Marley and I am so glad that he was able to brighten so many of your days and also put a smile on so many of your faces. I wish so very much that you could have all known him your selves. I know that you all would have loved him!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! I miss our conversations and comments! I will try to respond to them when I can but just know THANK YOU from me! Take care! Pictures will come eventually when I have more time and am not stretched so far! I do plan to continue to post pictures of Marley as I do have so very many and he will ALWAYS be in my heart. Thank you!

Long winded as usual, Lydia